Question: My 14-year-old son is very disrespectful to my husband and me, and we don’t know what to do about it. We tell him to get home before dark, but he is often late, and then we wait, worry and sometimes get close to calling the police. And so what happens when he does come home? We have a big argument. Can you help us?
Answer: Your son should, of course, come in before dark, not because you say so, but because it is his responsibility and because you would worry about him if he didn’t come
home when he promised. 36
Just tell him that he has to be home on time if
he wants to go out next time — and that this is his choice, not yours.
His disrespect is part of a bigger issue. Your son desires independence because the young always do when they hit puberty (青春期), somewhere between 13 and 16. New hormones (荷尔蒙), a new ability to think in abstractions and a new need to pull away from their parents all contribute to this desire. 37
Your son may also be acting up because your discipline hasn’t kept up with his growth.
A child hates to be corrected when his parents use the same words and same tone of voice they used when correcting him a year ago. 38
He won’t even argue with you too much, as long as you listen to his rants (咆哮) and
consider his reasons when you have to say no. These are all signs that you know that your respect is as important to him as his respect is to you. 39 This doesn’t accomplish anything and is bound to worsen your relationship.
Your child not only needs your respect, he also needs you to encourage his dreams, no matter how strange they are. 40 Now is the time to lower your expectations, give as few orders as possible (but stick to the ones you give), pay more attention to your son’s good behavior than his bad, and give twice as many smiles as you get.
A. But don’t worry.
B. He wants you to react to him at the age he is today.
C. But don’t argue about it.
D. If you don’t listen and consider, he won’t hear a word you say.
E. So boys and girls are so eager to spread their wings.
F. They need your sympathy for him when things go wrong, rather than fix them or tell him what he should have done.
G. He is growing physically, mentally, emotionally and even morally.